The Misadventures of Haldir and Legolas
by The Shadow Hawk
Summary: [Part 2 Chapter 1 up!] The results of really bizzare conversations and over active imaginations. Please don't kill me. Haldir and Legolas live in Chicago with their human girl friends. How do they deal with out of the ordinary human problems?
1. Part One: The insanity begins

Disclaimer: I don't own Haldir or Legolas…I suppose I don't own my friend the 

Lady of Imladris either…I'm so poor…

A little background for everyone: This little parody of mine is dedicated to my friend Emily, the Lady of Imladris and authoress of Agarwean, and her obsession with Haldir. The idea popped into my head when another friend of ours told her that Haldir was the fattest elf he'd ever seen. She of course, sprung to the defense of her elf and beat him up a little. Now it's this constant joke among the 3 of us. And I am also obsessed with Legolas so I had to put that in there too.

Note that Legolas and Haldir are pretty much totally out of character. It is a parody though.

Also note, Emily/Shadow is quite a bit less insane than me.

Cast:

~Hawk - Me - Age 21

~Legolas

~Shadow - Emily - Age 21

~Haldir

~The Mystery Man

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As the story opens, we find Legolas and Haldir living with Hawk and Shadow in a lovely 2 bedroom apartment. The men slept in one room and the girls in the other. It's early afternoon on a Saturday in Chicago. Haldir, Legolas and Hawk are sitting in the dining room, eating lunch. Shadow came out of her room proudly sporting a lovely black t-shirt with the words 'Haldir Lives!' printed across the front in gold. Haldir smiled when he saw her. 

Hawk rolled her eyes. "I suppose you're wearing the thong too?"

Legolas snickered. Shadow crossed her arms. "No. No I'm not…" She stuck out her tongue. "I don't have it yet. It's in the mail…"

"I didn't want to hear that…" Legolas put his head on the table.

"I did!" Haldir chuckled.

"Eww…" Hawk shuddered. "You and your obsession with the Elf-Man…"

Shadow sat down next to Haldir. "You like the Elf-boy, you're not one to talk."

Hawk hugged her blonde elf. "You're the one who got me into it. I never would have developed the obsession if you hadn't made me see the movie."

"You're impossible!" Shadow scoffed.

"And loving it, my dear friend." Hawk grinned while hanging onto her elf.

"Just let it go, Shadow. There's no stopping her." The older elf shook his head. 

"I know…"

"I can't help it if I'm a hot hunk of elven man!" Legolas smiled and returned Hawk's hug. When Haldir and Shadow gave him odd looks he pointed at Hawk. 

"That's what she said, not me!"

"You don't need to repeat it…" Shadow snorted.

"Yes, he does." Haldir rested his chin on his hand. "Egomaniac…"

"Hey, I can't help it if Peter Jackson made me look good."

"You could try to keep you ego under control."

"Maybe later." Hawk and Legolas got up from the table after finishing eating. 

They walked hand in hand to the living room to look at the day's mail. It sat in a small pile on a glass coffee table.

Haldir and Shadow looked at each when the other 2 left.

"They're truly impossible."

"You were the one who had her watch the movie…"

"Are you taking her side?" Shadow put her hands on her hips.

"No…of course not. I'm just saying she was right." The older elf stood up. "I would never take sides with the insane Legolas worshiper."

"I guess that's good to know." Shadow put away her lunch dishes. "I should get ready for work." 

"I should get a job too. It's boring staying at home with the egomaniac all day."

"And how do you think you boss would like your pointy little ears." Shadow poked the graceful point at the top of his ear, making him jerk back.

"Don't touch the ears, remember?" He shook his hair over his ears. "There's ways to hide them."

"Maybe. It would do you both some good to get out of the house."

"Shadow! Haldir! I think you need to see something!" Legolas' voice came in from the living room. "We got some weird mail!"

The two less insane residents of the apartment came in. Hawk handed Shadow an almost completely blank envelope. The address was on the front and the return address simply said 'The Mystery Man.'

"How weird." Haldir stood beside Shadow with his arm around her waist. With his free hand, he took the envelope from her. "Who would send us something like this?"

"Well, the Mystery Man, duh!" Hawk looked up at her friend's elf. Haldir glared down at her. "Sorry."

"Whatever. Give me the letter opener." Haldir stuck out his hand after removing it from Shadow's waist. 

"Yes sir, March Warden, sir." Legolas gave him a mock salute and handed him the slightly pointed knife.

Haldir rolled his eyes and opened the envelope. He pulled out two pieces of folded paper. He handed one to Shadow and opened the other one. Legolas and Hawk looked on with interest. 

"Why don't we get a piece of paper?" Hawk whined.

"Because we gave the Captain the envelope."

"Well, you're a prince. Make him give it back."

Haldir's laughter made them look up. The elf was laughing so hard he was nearly in tears. "What!?!?" Hawk grabbed the paper out of his hands. "Oooo…pretty dress…"

"What?" Legolas grabbed the paper out of her hands and stared at it. "Hey! What is this?!?!" The picture displayed a lovely caricature of Legolas on it. Large eyes, braided hair, high heel shoes and a flowery dress completed the girlish look of the young elven prince. On the top in large letters it read:

**_Legolas: The Princess of Mirkwood_**

"Who drew this?!?!?!" The blonde elf crumpled up the paper. Haldir was still laughing like a maniac. "Shut up, will you?"

"I…I can't. It's just too funny…" He leaned against the wall trying to keep his balance. 

"What's the other paper say?" Hawk was still trying to stifle her laughter from the Legolas picture.

Shadow shook her head. "It speaks for itself." She handed it to Haldir. "You won't be laughing now…"

Haldir was barely able to hang on to it when she handed it him, but sobered as soon as he saw the picture. Another caricature adorned the paper. This one was of Haldir, but he weighed in at about 300 lbs. or so. Large letters in the same style proclaimed another mean message:

**_The March Warden Doesn't Do Enough Marching_**

Legolas got his chance to laugh at the older elf. The picture also had Haldir holding a large turkey leg instead of a bow. The quiver on his back was filled with licorice whips.

Hawk looked at Haldir. His face was nearly purple with rage. "Ummm, Haldir, remember to breathe. It's in then out. Repeat as necessary." 

Shadow was backing away from her boyfriend. "It's just a mean joke. Don't kill yourself over it."

"I AM NOT FAT!" The elf exploded with rage.

Legolas clamped his hands over his highly sensitive ears. "Ow! Don't yell so loud…there is another elf in the room ya know…" 

"We know you're not fat…" Shadow tried to calm the raging elf. She never saw him show that much anger towards anything, even when Legolas hid his bow and arrows for a week. "You're broad shouldered. We know that."

"Well, someone doesn't…and he'll get an arrow through the forehead for this…" 

The elf took the paper back and crumpled it in the same way Legolas crumpled the 

Princess picture. Legolas had recovered from the humor he found in the Fat picture and went back to being fuming mad about the Princess picture.

The two girls looked at each other. Hawk stood up. "Well, boys. Get your arrows. 

We're going on a Mystery Man Hunt." The two elves ran from the room to gather their things.

Shadow picked up the crumpled picture. "How cruel of this person."

"I know…" Hawk uncrumpled the Princess picture. "But it was a nice dress…"

Shadow elbowed her in the side. "Shut up."

"What!?!? It's pretty…" Hawk rubbed her side.

"Sorta…" They both looked at each other and giggled. 

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How'd you like it, Emily? Anyone else find it funny or at the very least, mildly 

amusing?

~*~Shadow Hawk~*~

5/17/03


	2. Part One: Into the mall

Disclaimer: I don't own Haldir or Legolas…I suppose I don't own my friend the Lady of Imladris either…I'm still so poor…

I can't believe other people actually read and enjoyed this. Hee hee. It makes me happy. Thank you all for reviewing.

Note: Fedorian is from Agarwean. 

Ah yes, I just turned 16 on the 22nd and my wonderful friend Emily fueled my Legolas obsession by getting me a large poster of him. It will soon grace the wall above my bed. Are you happy now, Emily? I've made a new chapter.

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Hawk and Shadow watched their elves fuss around the apartment. They were looking for ways to conceal their weapons.

Shadow looked at her friend. "I don't think we should let them take any weapons…"

"I might have to agree with you…" Hawk sighed. "They liable to kill anyone now."

As the elves crossed the room, Hawk and Shadow stopped them. 

"Haldir, give me your bow and arrows."

"Legolas, knives, now." Hawk stuck out her hand.

"What? Why?" Legolas hugged the sheathes close to his body.

"You two aren't allowed to kill anyone…" Shadow struggled as she began to pry the elven bow from Haldir. "Now stop being a baby and gimme!"

"No!" He pulled back with just as much force. 

"Get back here and gimme those knives!" Hawk chased Legolas around the house trying to get the deadly weapons. "If you're gonna be so stubborn, we can't let you out in public!"

"Why can't we carry them around?" Haldir finally let go of his bow, sending Shadow stumbling backwards. 

"Because things don't work here like they did in Middle Earth." Shadow wrapped up the bow. "There are certain things you can't do."

"Like what?" Legolas mumbled from underneath Hawk's heavy boot, which was on top of his head, shoving him into the ground. She finally succeeded in getting Legolas' weapons.

"Well, there's a top ten." Hawk dragged him up and sat him on the couch. "Shadow, get the chart." She also pushed Haldir onto the couch.

Shadow went into their bedroom. Haldir looked at Legolas. "There's a chart?"

"There's always a chart…" The younger elf shrugged.

"Can I have a chart?"

"I don't think they'll let you have a chart…"

"Oh…" He frowned. "I wanna chart…"

Shadow reentered to room with a chart and stand. "Okay, here we go." She set up the board. "The Top Ten Things to Never Do in Front of Normal People."

"Number ten." Hawk produced a pointer. "_Never_ show off your ears."

"Number nine." Shadow brought out her own. "_Never_ say you're an elf."

"Number eight. _Never_ talk about hobbits, dwarves or orcs."

"Number seven. _Never_ show off your archery skills."

"Number six. _Never_ talk about Mirkwood or Lothlorien."

"Number five. _Never_ ask when you get your weapons."

"Number four. _Never_ threaten a person with death for touching your hair."

"Number three. _Never_ talk back to those of higher authority."

"Number two. _Never_ compare modern fashions to the ones you're familiar with."

"And most importantly, number one, _never_ insult a future employer."

Haldir and Legolas blinked a few times. "That's a lot of rules…" Legolas muttered.

"Can I have the chart now?"

Shadow's eye twitched. "Would you shut up about the chart?!?!" 

"Un oh…" Haldir got up from the couch and ran in an attempt to avoid Shadow's rage.

Hawk and Legolas watched the two run around the house. Legolas looked at a clock. "It's 3:30…when do you think we'll go?"

"Maybe a couple hours. I'm gonna go take a nap. Wake me when they finish."

"No! You can't sleep and leave me alone with them!" He whimpered. "I could get caught in the cross fire!"

"You baby…fine I'll stay up." She sat down with him and they watched the two run around. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

About an hour later, Haldir gave up and let Shadow exact her revenge on him for his chart obsession. 

After hiding the weapons in the trunk of the car, the four got into Hawk's car. Shadow almost got into the back seat with Haldir. Hawk stopped her. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Getting in the car."

"Not in the back you're not…" Hawk wrinkled her nose. "I will _not_ have Make Out Fest 2003 in the back seat of _my_ car while we're looking for the Mystery Man…we really need to call him something else…that is such a lame name…"

"What are you talking about? We wouldn't do that!" Shadow pouted. 

"Do we really have to bring up last summer's road trip?" Legolas snorted. "You two weren't even trying to keep it quiet."

"That was fun." Haldir grinned.

"Stuff it, Haldir." Hawk pushed Shadow into the front seat with her and Legolas into the back.

"Do I _have_ to sit with him?" Legolas grudgingly sat next to the older elf.

"Yes…don't argue with me in my car…" 

"Fine…" The two elves slouched in the back and crossed their arms in an identical fashion.

"If anyone asks, are they brothers?" Shadow looked at the two while Hawk started the car. 

"Might as well be. They do look similar." Hawk shrugged.

"Me? Look like him? Us related? I think not!" Haldir fumed.

"Like it sounds real good to me!" Legolas punched the elven captain.

"Quit it!" Haldir punched him back.

"You insulted me!" 

"You're too sensitive!" 

"Am not!"

"Are too!" They continued back and forth until Shadow turned up the radio really loud. The elves stopped yelling and covered their ears.

"Works like a charm." Shadow smirked.

"Thank you, dear. Now I can drive." The two girls gave each other high fives and happily bounced along to the blasting music while the elves were driven silent.

They were planning to go to the mall and ask around to see if anyone recognized the art style and handwriting of their mystery artist. Not the most efficient or scientific way to go about it, but Hawk saw a sale sign outside her favorite store. 

"Do we have to shop?" Shadow hated it when Hawk found something to distract her from the task at hand. 

"There's a sale going on…you know there's no stopping her…" Haldir put on his baseball cap to hide his ears. "We're stuck…"

"You're stuck? Who do you think is gonna carry all those bags she will inevitably get?" Legolas muttered as he put on his own hat. 

"Oh yeah…" Shadow nodded as she watched Hawk run across the parking lot into the store.

Hawk did indeed buy a lot and Legolas was the one who carried most of it. By the time she was done, it was about 6:30 so they went into the mall to find something to eat. 

People stared in awe of the pile of bags Hawk proudly sat in front of while eating pizza. Shadow got herself a plate of pasta from the same place.

Legolas and Haldir stared at the food. "How is it that you can actually eat that?"

"We're only human…" Hawk looked up from her food for a moment. "Deal with it."

As the men watched the women, someone across the mall screamed. The men of course, heard it. They both looked up.

"What?" Hawk put down her pizza.

"Did you hear that?"

"No…" Shadow looked annoyed. "We don't hear even a quarter of the things you do…"

"Someone got robbed."

"Huh?" Hawk stared blankly at Legolas.

He looked out of the food court. "A man dressed in black and red just took a woman's purse."

Shadow pushed Haldir off his seat with her foot. "Well, don't just sit there! Go help!"

"You too!" Hawk pushed Legolas off his seat.

The two elves ran off to find the robber. They caught him within the next five minutes.

Legolas stared at the robber's clothes. "These certainly are tasteless clothes… Haldir, didn't Fedorian were better ones?" 

"Number two, Legolas." Hawk was suddenly at his side.

"Oh, right…"

The chief of mall security was impressed with them. The man who stole the woman's purse had been stealing a lot from the mall and they couldn't catch him.

"Well, it was nothing. It's easy when you're…"

"Number nine, Haldir…" Shadow tapped him.

"It's easy when you're what?" The guard looked confused.

"When you're a couple of ex-security guards…" Legolas finished for the older elf.

"Well, would you like to be current security guards? We're a little short handed…"

The elves looked at the women. They nodded. Shadow poked Haldir. "You did say you wanted to get a job."

"Something about not staying home all day with me, right?" Legolas glared at him.

"Heh, oh yeah…" Haldir scratched his head. "We'll do it then…"

"Great! There are a few papers to fill out first."

The elves and women followed the chief to an office where they were each given a stack of papers. Legolas blinked a few times.

"This is a few? I'd hate to see a lot."

"That is a lot." Hawk shook her head.

"Then why did he say a few?" They sat down.

Hawk took one of the papers. "Welcome to the world of human sarcasm…"

"Oh…"

Haldir looked at the printed boxes. "Do I have a last name?"

"Uh…" Shadow looked at it. "I don't think so. "'Of Lorien' doesn't really work…leave it blank and we'll look at it later."

An hour later all the boxes were filled except for the last name box. It stared at them. Haldir looked at Legolas. "Did you give any last name yet?"

"Ah…nope…" He shrugged. "Don't know what to put…"

"How about…Smith?" Hawk offered.

"Haldir and Legolas Smith?" Shadow raised an eyebrow. "A little odd don't you think? They have really exotic first names and boring last names? I think not…"

"Fine, shoot me down why don't you?" Hawk stuck out her tongue.

"With a suggestion like that, I will."

"Meanie…"

"Quiet, we need names for them…"

"I know…don't rush me…" Hawk tapped her finger against her chin. 'Should we make it sound foreign so people don't ask too many questions?"

"Couldn't hurt…" Shadow racked her brain. "What do we call you two?"

"Could we just use Lorien as our last names and say it's foreign?" Haldir asked.

"That could work…" Shadow nodded.

"Of course you wouldn't shoot down your little Halli Boy…" Hawk muttered as the men wrote in Lorien for their last names.

"What was that?" Shadow looked up.

"Nothin'…nothin' at all…" Hawk looked up at the ceiling.

The chief came back in. "Finished?"

"Yeah…here." Legolas gave him the papers.

"Lorien? Where does that come from?"

"Eastern Europe." Hawk spoke before either of the men could open their mouths. 

"Alrighty then…"After the chief took their papers, he was ready to give them their outfits. 

"Oh yeah, there's just one thing that bothers me. I don't know if that long hair is going to do." He reached out to see how long it was.

Legolas clamped his hand around the chief's wrist. "Touch the hair and die."

Hawk detached Legolas' hand from the chief's wrist. "Number four Legolas…" She looked at the terrified chief. "You'll have to excuse him, it's a uh…cultural thing…" She smiled and dragged Legolas into another room.

"Right…okay then…culture…" He smoothed out his clothes. "Can't you cut it a little though? It's awfully long…"

Haldir snorted. "Don't be stupid…"

Shadow jammed her elbow into his side. "That was number one, genius… "

"Oops…"

"Okay, I guess I'll just have to live with the long hair…when can you two start?" He looked off into the other room where Hawk was chewing out Legolas for breaking two rules.

"I think we can start in a week or so. What do you think, Shadow?" Haldir looked at her.

"Our business should be over by then, sounds good."

"Great. Can't wait for you to start." The chief smiled.

"See you then." The group of four left. 

Hawk carried a few of her bags out to the car while Legolas carried the rest. "See, it's a good thing I decided to go shopping! Now they have jobs."

"Whatever…you twist everything to your advantage…" Shadow murmured. 

"And?"

"Never mind…"

They reached the car and Hawk found something underneath her windshield wiper. "Don't tell me I gotta ticket…" She pulled it out. It was another envelope from the same man. "Oh no…"

"What?" Legolas grabbed the envelope. "Why does this keep happening?" He opened it.

Two more pieces of paper were inside the envelope. One was the 300 lbs Haldir sitting in the food court, eating. The other was a girlish Legolas inside Claire's Boutique. 

The women once again had to attempt to calm down the men. Legolas blew up about the picture. Haldir could understand why this Mystery Man thought he was fat. The elves got into the back of the car and pouted. The humans stared at the pictures. 

"You know, it's really too bad…" Hawk examined the picture.

"What?"

"He's a good artist, if not degrading."

Shadow elbowed her again. "Why do you always have to make some comment about the pictures?"

"Ow…" Hawk rubbed her side. "I'm gonna bruise…I'm just saying it's a shame he uses his talents for evil."

"You're insane…"

"And you should go to Haldir rehab, but you don't see me putting it in your face do you?" Hawk grinned.

"Oh you…"

"Hee hee. I win."

"You win nothing!"

"I win everything!" Hawk proudly proclaimed.

"Can we go now?"

"Fine…sore loser."

"Am not." 

"Are too."

"We're going now!" Shadow pushed hawk back into the car. 

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There, Emily! I'm done with the new chapter! Happy? Did anyone else read it and enjoy?

~*~Shadow Hawk~*~

           2/25/03


	3. Part One: Fear the black boots

Disclaimer: I don't own Haldir or Legolas…I suppose I don't own my friend the Lady of Imladris either…I'm still so poor…

Emily, this is, of course, for you. *Rolls eyes* It's rehab for you one of these days…well, technically me too…oh yeah…WORK ON CHAPTER 13 FOR GOD'S SAKE! I WANT IT OUT BEFORE FINALS!!!! (I love caps lock. ^_^ )

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Hawk happily whistled to herself in the kitchen. Legolas was sitting in the living room, drumming his fingers on the arm of the chair. He was desperately trying to tune something out and obviously from the look on his face, he was unsuccessful. Shadow and Haldir were nowhere to be seen.

Hawk walked into the living room and sat next to him. "What's the matter?"

"You can't hear them can you?"

"Ah…no…" Hawk looked at him confused. "Who's 'them'?"

"Who do you think?" He covered his ears with his hands. "There are only 4 people who live in this apartment…" He looked so miserable.

"Oh…ewwwww…" Hawk shuddered when she realized what he was talking about.

"Why me?" Legolas moaned as he tried to get the sounds of the elven male and human female making out in the bedroom out of his head.

"Oh poor baby…" Hawk cuddled her elf. "Maybe this will help." She gave him a package of something. "I found them while shopping yesterday."

Legolas looked at the package. "Industrial strength ear plugs." He smiled, put the earplugs in, and let out a sigh of relief. "I love you." He wrapped his arms around her and they proceeded to make out as well.

After a few minutes, Haldir emerged from the bedroom with thoroughly messed up hair. "Legolas, what is that noise? …Oh…oh my dear sweet Elbereth…why?" He covered his eyes.

"What is it? Oh…" Shadow came out with messy hair as well. "Oh dear…"

Legolas and Hawk were tangled up together on the couch, oblivious to the others in the room.

"And here I thought we'd distract them, Legolas at least…" Shadow sighed. Hawk grabbed the earplug package and tossed it across the room. Shadow caught it. "Oh jeez…"

"What?" He took the package and read it. "Only they would think of this…"

"It's not really a bad idea." Haldir took out the other pair from the package. "Shall we continue?"

"Yay!" Shadow hopped into his arms and he carried her back into the bedroom. 

Hawk and Legolas were still happily making out while Haldir and Shadow continued their previous moment's Make Out Fest 2003.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A few hours after Make Out Fest 2003, the group sat down together to eat dinner. Their hair was combed and neat again, the girls' in ponytails and the guys' in their usual braids.

Hawk twirled her fork around in her spaghetti. "How are we supposed to find him? We didn't get much done at the mall."

"And who's fault was that?" Shadow looked up from her drink.

Hawk kicked her from under the table. "Meanie…"

"Ow…" Shadow rubbed her shin. "That hurt…"

"Could you two please get through one meal without any bruises?" Haldir sighed.

"No." The girls answered giggling.

"It's going to be another long dinner…" Legolas put in his earplugs again. With them in, he could hear at about the level of a normal human, though it seemed like he was deaf.

"As always…" The older elf sighed again and put his own earplugs in.

The girls kept kicking at each other from under the table, only saying something when one kick connected.

"You know, this isn't helping out situation." Haldir pulled Shadow's chair away from the table.

She squeaked loudly. "Hey! Don't be mean!"

Legolas went so far and to turn Hawk's chair around. "No more bruises. The ones from last week still haven't healed."

She frowned and stuck out her tongue. "They're just bruises…"

"If you keep doing that, no more making out." 

"Hey!" Hawk put her head down and folded her hands in her lap. "No fair…"

Shadow laughed loudly at her friend. Haldir cast a glance at her. "What makes you think you're not getting the same threat?"

Her jaw dropped. "But…but…"

"But nothing. You two fight too much during meals."

"Hah!" Hawk turned around. "You're in the same boat as me."

"Oh you!" Shadow fumed.

"Anyway!" Legolas raised his voice. "We need to work on our little problem here." He tossed the four pictures into the middle of the table.

"I still think it's a pretty dress." Hawk grabbed the first princess picture.

The other 3 sighed. Shadow gave Haldir a pleading look. He bit his lip then nodded. Shadow grinned and kicked Hawk really hard under the table. 

She yelped. "HEY! I thought you said no more fighting!" She rubbed her leg. "You and your damn black boots…"

"Then, please, no more comments about that stupid picture of me." Legolas pleaded with her.

"Oh…fine…" Hawk hopped over to the freezer and got an ice pack. "I will destroy those boots of yours…"

"You can't touch my boots!" Shadow happily proclaimed.

"Pictures please!?!?!?" Haldir was just as annoyed as Legolas now.

"Oh, right…" Both girls grinned sheepishly.

"We need to find out how to find him." Legolas was so close to ripping the princess pictures to shreds.

"Is there any real way to follow a picture or two?" Shadow asked.

"The art is kinda familiar…" Hawk turned the picture upside down in her hands.

"This isn't going to turn into a pretty dress comment is it?" Legolas asked worried.

"Do I get to kick her again?" Shadow asked, excited.

Hawk quickly pushed herself away from the table. "NO! No more boots!" She cowered. "I'm serious though. I really think I've seen someone draw faces like this before."

"Let me see." Shadow grabbed another picture. She snapped her fingers. "You know, for once you're right!" She kept snapping. "I know the face but not the name…what was it now? You remember him right?"

"Yeah, it's that guy!" They kept waving their hands around and snapping, trying to remember the name. "The one! Oh, why can't we remember his name? Grr!"

Haldir looked at Legolas. "Does the flailing help them think?"

"It must…"

They let out a simultaneous 'Ow!' when the girls whacked them in the head.

Haldir's elven eyesight caught something on the paper. "What's this?"

Hawk and Shadow looked at the paper then at each other. They rolled their eyes. "We don't see most of what you guys see…"

"Right here, can you see it?" Haldir pointed to a corner of the paper.

"I see an ink blot. What do you see, Hawk?"

"The same." She picked up the other pictures. "That little dot is in all the left hand corners though. But I still don't see a point…"

"Perhaps he's accurately messy?"

"It's more than an ink blot…" Legolas grabbed the picture. "It's a little bird." He studied it closely.

"Gimme." Hawk took his picture and looked at it closely. "I still say it's an ink blot."

"I see the same." Shadow put the picture back on the table.

"But it's a bird! Are you both blind?!?!" Legolas asked loudly.

Hawk yanked on his hair, hard. "Compared to you, the whole world's blind."

"OW!" He pulled his hair out of her grasp. "That hurt…"

"I'm perfectly aware of that." Hawk crossed her arms. "You should know better by now to not make eyesight or hearing comments."

"Grr…" Legolas growled at her.

"Lemme get a magnifying glass." Shadow got up from the table and went to the tool drawer.

She sat back down and looked at all the blotches. "Wow. It is a bird. There's writing there too, but it's too small."

"Gimme." Hawk reached across the table and grabbed it. She studied the writing. "Oh jeez…"

"What?" They all looked at her.

"It says 'Look at the pretty birdie'…" She shook her head. "That is so like him…"

"Him who?" The two elves were confused.

"The guy…the one who drew these." Shadow waved her hand in circles. "If only we could remember him…"

"It would really be helpful if you could…" Haldir muttered. Shadow kicked him in the shin too. He yelped. "Alright, now I'm gonna have to help Hawk take your boots. That stings."

"I like my boots and none of you can get them." She folded her legs under her while sitting there.

"I swear, I'll make it my life's quest to get your boots!" Hawk huffed.

"I thought you life's quest was to get an elf…Legolas specifically." Shadow smirked.

Hawk wrapped her arms around Legolas. "I already finished that one. Besides, you make it seem stupid. Who was the one who wanted Haldir for her birthday last year?"

"Oh right…" Shadow lowered her head when Haldir's eye's widened.

"That's right, you're just as guilty as me, Rehab Girl."

"PICTURES PLEASE!" Haldir and Legolas yelled at them.

"Eep!" Hawk and Shadow jumped. "Right, right, the guy…"

"Is there anywhere you guys could find out who this guy was that you're so sure is the artist?" Legolas sighed.

"Well, he did go to school with us, but we lost our yearbooks when the basement of our old apartment flooded…so…no…" She grinned and shrugged.

Haldir held his head in his hands as if he had a killer headache. "Please tell me you're joking."

"I wish she was, but she's actually telling the truth this time…" Shadow sighed.

"Is there someone else who would have one of these yearbook things you're talking about?" Legolas asked.

"No one we could easily get in touch with. It could take some time to find someone worth talking to." Hawk shrugged again.

"Can't you go to the school? Couldn't they do something?" Haldir huffed.

"They might have more copies…" Shadow thought for a moment.

"Do we have to drive out to the suburbs? It's so boring!" Hawk whined.

"I'll kick you again!" Shadow glared at her.

"NO! No more boots!" Hawk cowered behind Legolas.

"That's right. Fear my boots!" She laughed.

"PICTURES!" Haldir elbowed Shadow.

"Ack! Fear angry elves!" Hawk grimaced as Shadow yelped again.

"Okay! Okay! We'll go to the high school we went to." Shadow cowered from the fuming Haldir. "I'm sorry okay? I'll make it up to you later."

"Ooo! Yay!" Haldir's anger immediately subsided. 

"It's already late today. The school's probably closed." Hawk dumped her dishes in the sink. "We'll go in the morning."

"Finally. We have a plan." Legolas got up from the table.

"Alright, we'll leave at 9 tomorrow and get good time going out of the city." Shadow nodded.

"OH OH!" Hawk scurried out of the room and into the living room.

"What's with her?" Haldir asked.

Shadow looked at a clock. "Buffy: the Vampire Slayer is on." She shook her head. "If there's not thing she'll never miss, it's that."

"SHUT UP! IT'S ON NOW!!!" Hawk hollered from the TV room. Shadow shook her head again.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Who is drawing the pictures? When will he strike again? Will Hawk ever get Shadow's boots?

~*~Shadow Hawk~*~

6/2/03


	4. Part One: Mystery Man found

Disclaimer: I don't own Haldir or Legolas…I suppose I don't own my friend the Lady of Imladris either…I'm still so poor…

Notes for chapter: The parking lot of the high school that Emily and I went to had maybe 50 something parking spaced for the 200 or so people who could drive. Little problem, right? One of my science teachers was called a "Damn crack whore" by one of Emily's teachers. Emily also just had to say hello to our sophomore year English teacher every time she saw him. He got pretty sick of her after a while… We also had a nun for a librarian who's face was really uneven and by that I mean one side of her face drooped about two inches lower than the other. She was really nasty too. We did have a roach or two in our lunchroom too. I've never seen a group of junior guys move so fast before… Also note, the name I gave to the guy isn't his real name. It has been changed to protect his person from enraged elf lovers.

The insanity continues….

Enjoy.

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Hawk drummed her fingers on her steering wheel. Shadow had managed to get into the back seat of the car with Haldir. The sounds of Shadow and Haldir making out were very distracting. Hawk was not a happy driver. The two in the back were awfully noisy. Legolas wasn't having much fun either. He was banging his head on the window.

"Someone…please…make it…stop…" He moaned while dull thuds from his head interrupted his words.

"Legolas, do you have your earplugs?"

"Yeah…why?" More thuds.

"Did Haldir bring his?" 

Legolas glanced into the back. "I don't think so. Why?"

"Put yours in. I'm turning on the radio."

"Oh. Okay." Legolas smiled. He put the earplugs in and Hawk turned the radio up as loud as Legolas could bear it, which at the moment was much louder than Haldir could take.

Haldir nearly flew off Shadow so he could cover his ears. Shadow punched Legolas since she couldn't punch the driver. "What was that for?" She shouted over the music.

"I need to drive. It's not my fault Halli Boy forgot his ear plugs." Hawk smiled smugly. Besides, if I can't make out with Legolas, you don't get the opportunity with Haldir."

"Meanie…" Shadow muttered. Haldir looked miserable as he curled up against Shadow. She wrapped her arms around him. "You're making his ears hurt."

Legolas turned around again. "Not our fault he didn't being these wonderful little earplugs."

"I hate you." Haldir growled at the younger elf.

"Love you too." Legolas smirked and turned back to the road.

Hawk pulled onto the highway. "Look Haldir, don't get mad at him. I told you I didn't want making out in the back seat of _my_ car!"

"And if we promised not to?" Shadow pleaded with her friend.

"I'd know you were lying. You've never been able to keep your hands off the elf."

"You spoil all my fun." She huffed. "And I was gonna make pudding tonight."

Hawk bit her lip. "Must you do the pudding blackmail?"

"Yep."

"Grrrr…well, I'll just get some ready made pudding at the store. Problem solved."

"Dammit."

The rest of the car ride was relatively quiet, just the occasional moan from Haldir to turn down the radio or Shadow getting mad at Hawk.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Half an hour later, Hawk found a parking space in the tiny parking lot of their old high school. She stared at the parking space once she was out. "I always hated this parking lot."

"You'd think they could add a couple more parking spaces…" Shadow climbed around a few cars.

"It'd be nice. They remodel everything but the parking lot." Hawk finally got out of the car maze.

Legolas and Haldir had gotten out before them. "What took so long?"

"We're only human…" Shadow snorted.

"Forgive us for not having elven agility." Hawk grumbled. "Try not to make anymore comments like that…"

"Sorry." Both elves murmured. 

They hurried into the front office for visitor passes. The secretary still recognized the two girls but just stared at the boys.

"Brothers?"

"N…" Haldir almost got the word 'No' out before Shadow grabbed him by the shoulder.

"Yes, but they like to deny it, don't you sweetie?" Shadow hissed. 

Haldir swallowed hard. "Yep." He squeaked.

"Have fun visiting girls. I'm sure your teachers with be happy to see you again." The secretary waved.

"Yeah…Mr. M.'s gonna be really happy to see us…" Hawk led them out of the office into the main hallway on the 2nd floor.

"Mr. M?" Haldir questioned.

"He was _somebody's_ favorite teacher…"

"He was a good teacher." Shadow snapped back.

"He encouraged the idiotic behavior for the guys in our English class!"

"Like what?" Legolas asked.

"You don't wanna know…" Hawk shook her head.

"But you can't deny he was a good teacher." Shadow desperately tried to defend the man.

"I never said he wasn't! Can we just find the yearbooks?" Hawk threw her hands up and shook her head.

"Haldir, is it just me or it this hall too small for 4 people?" Legolas ducked under Shadow's swinging arm.

Haldir backed away from Hawk's quickly approaching finger. "It's big enough for 4, only if the people are calm though." The two elves stepped back in order to avoid the flailing girls while they looked for the library.

"This way!" 

"No, over there!"

"Can I help you people?" A teacher came out of his room. He seemed to have a free period.

"We were looking for the library. Sorry about the noise." Hawk smiled. "We haven't been in school here since they finished the remodeling."

"You were students here?"

"Just the two of us." Shadow suddenly smiled when she saw the teacher's face.

His eyes widened in fear. "Oh good Lord, it's you again!"

"Mr. Mullen! Aren't you happy to see me?" Shadow hugged her former teacher.

"Shadow! Let him go! His face is turning blue!" Hawk grabbed her friend's arms. "We need Mr. Mullen to tell us where the library is!"

Shadow released her death grip on her former teacher. "Whoops." The two elves stared at her in shock and awe.

"Sorry, Mr. Mullen…she's still insane." Hawk shoved Shadow over to Haldir.

"I understand. You're looking for the library." He gasped for air.

"Yeah. We lost our yearbooks and we gotta look something up."

"Have to." He corrected her.

"An English teacher forever…" Hawk shook her head. "So where did they build the library?"

While Mr. Mullen gave her directions, the elves blinked in confusion. The teacher gave them stranger terms like K, M, S and Breezeway. Hawk stared at them.

"What? Why do you look so confused?"

Haldir let go of Shadow. "What did any of that mean?"

"Oh don't worry. We know where we're going." Shadow smiled and they left their former teachers room and went to the elevator.

Once again the elves stared. "What is it?"

"It's a…uh…a lift…get in." Hawk pushed Legolas in.

Hawk and Shadow merely leaned against the wall while Haldir and Legolas shuffled nervously. Shadow poked Hawk. "No more elevators, okay?"

"Agreed." The elves treated the elevator as if it was evil. "Stop that. The library's not that far now."

The troop of four walked through a glass hallway and up two flights of stairs. Shadow opened the door at the top of the stairs and let the others pass her as they walked in. "You'd think with all the remodeling, they'd make it easier to get to the library."

"Well, it'll probably be the last time we're here." Hawk opened the door to the actual library. "You're asking too much of a school that had roaches in the cafeteria…"

The library was nice and big. The yearbooks were all in a corner. "Let's make an attempt to find ours." Hawk grabbed a stack and put them on the table.

"Uh huh…" The other three grabbed some and they set to work. As they riffled through the books, Shadow looked up for a moment. She froze in fear. "Hawk…" She gripped her friend's shoulder.

"Ow!" Hawk hissed. "That hurts! Let…" Hawk saw what was making Shadow scared. "It's the Hell Nun…"

"The what?" Haldir and Legolas looked up.

"Shhh!" Hawk and Shadow hissed at them. They were taken aback by being quieted. Hawk scrawled something on a piece of paper and shoved it at Legolas.

'Wait till the Hell Nun goes away.' He scratched his head when he looked at the note and handed it to Haldir. He shrugged but stayed quiet.

"Finding everything ladies?" The nun stood right in front of their table. The girls, paralyzed with fear could only nod. "Good. I expect no trouble from you." They only nodded again.

After a few agonizing minutes, the nun disappeared. Hawk and Shadow sighed deeply with relief. "Wow…scary and ugly as ever…she shouldn't work in a school with small children…" Hawk muttered.

"What exactly is so bad about her?" Haldir asked quietly.

"She hates kids." Shadow muttered. "She kicked me out of the library when we still came here."

His eyes widened. "You? But you're never noisy enough to get kicked out of anywhere."

"Yeah, until she met you." Legolas muttered.

"Shut up!" Shadow and Haldir hissed in a whisper.

"Jeez, touch-y…" Hawk muttered. "Did you find him yet?"

"No…I did find our freshman book though." Shadow held up the page. "Don't you look cute?" 

"Put that down!" Hawk slapped her hand. "I hate that picture."

"Is this the right year?" Legolas offered Hawk another book.

"Oh, yes! Finally. No more stupid pictures." Hawk began flipping through the pages.

"Do you see him yet?" Shadow looked over her friend's shoulder.

"No. I'll tell you when I find him." She flipped faster. "Ah here!" She found the spiky haired boy she was looking for. "Joe Frantino."

"Joe?" Haldir looked at the picture. "It's a little…um…mundane, isn't it?"

"He's got a lot of brothers and sisters. You run out of ideas after awhile." Shadow jumped to Joe's defense.

"Whatever…when I get my hands on him, I will send an arrow up his nose." Legolas muttered. 

"No…you can't do that. He's still our friend." Hawk huffed as she wrote down his name.

"But the pictures!" Haldir looked at Shadow. "I am not fat!"

"Well, to be honest, Joe probably hates you two. All we did was talk about you two when we went to school together."

"Are you saying the pictures were warranted?!" Legolas snapped as he shoved his chair back into the table, a little too loudly.

"No! And watch it! Be careful with that! Don't get the Hell Nun's attention!" Hawk began to push Legolas from the library. "And I never meant it as warranted! I'm just saying we'll take care of it!"

"Yeah. There's no need to kill him. Just be mad at him." Shadow lead them back downstairs. 

"Fine. Only because you said so…" Haldir muttered as he walked next to his girl friend. 

"Please you guys, no making out in school…" Hawk stepped in between her friend and the older elf.

"Fine…" They muttered.

As they walked, a shrill voice stopped Hawk cold. "Come back to take my class over again, have you?" A rather short woman glared at her.

"Uh…ah…no…I was coming for a uh…visit…Shadow, help me…" Hawk was petrified.

"She was your teacher not mine…" Shadow backed up behind Haldir.

"You were such a miserable student…you need to take Chemistry again."

"I was not that bad!" Hawk snapped. "I did better than a lot of people. Like Liza…"

"Liza slept in class. You paid attention and still failed the final." The evil little teacher was still mad.

"I got a C! I never failed your tests!" Hawk was hopping mad now. "I was a good student!"

"For a student like you, C is failure!"

"Go away, you damn crazy crack whore!" Hawk jumped up and down while complaining. "You make me sad!"

The teacher suddenly turned red and shuffled away into the teachers' lounge. Hawk sighed with relief. "I hate that woman…"

"Um…what just happened?" Legolas was staring at Hawk with wide eyes. 

"Revenge of the horrid teacher…I never failed her damn tests…she would just like to think I failed…"

"Oh…" Both elves nodded quietly.

"I think it's time to go…" Shadow hurried the group back out to the car.

As they were walking, Hawk still ranted about her horrible science teacher. Legolas was once again very thankful for the earplugs. Haldir wasn't so fortunate.

"Hey! Who's that!?!?!" Shadow saw someone near their car.

"Could it be Joe?" Hawk started to run. "If he does anything to my car…"

"It looks like the guy in the picture!" Legolas could see the person's face.

When Hawk got to her car, she found another envelope. "I think I'm going to kill Joe…" She ripped it open and found on piece of paper with a large picture on it.

Girly Legolas and Fat Haldir were sitting at desks in the school with dunce caps on. "Study hard." The same black letters were scrawled across the top and the inkblot/bird was in the corner too. Hawk crumpled the paper and chucked it on the ground. She looked up and saw someone running across the parking lot. "I'm gonna kill him!" She took off running as Shadow and the elves reached the car.

Legolas picked up the paper. Shadow looked at it. "Well, here's the final chase." She handed Haldir the keys. "Get you bows and follow us later."

" I thought we weren't allowed to kill him…" Haldir opened the trunk.

"You won't be killing him, just pinning his clothes to a tree to stop him." Shadow shouted over her shoulder as she ran after Hawk.

"Here goes nothing." Both elves grabbed their bows and followed the girls into the winding paths of the forest behind the school.

"You said it…" Haldir was just a few steps behind the younger elf. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The final chase is on! Will Joe survive? 

~*~Shadow Hawk~*~


	5. Part One: The insanity ends for now

Disclaimer: I don't own Haldir or Legolas…I suppose I don't own my friend the Lady of Imladris either…I'm still so poor…

Notes for chapter: Wow, people besides Emily are still reading? Frankly I'm shocked since it took me so long…damn writers' block plus laziness = not good…anyway, more info about our high school. If you ran across our athletic field you'd end up in this little forest preserve like thing. You could either go into the forest from there or walk along a path that brought you to a statue of the Holy Trinity (I think that's what it is. It might just be the Virgin Mary.) and then to the back area of the retirement homes that are right next door to the school. Inside the forest, there are lots of little paths that pretty much run in circles. There's a creek/stream back there too. It's either a creek or a stream or even close to a river depending on how much rain we got. There was also no telling what you might see back there. There were lots of animals or even left over construction materials, depending on what they were doing to the school. There's more but I won't bother to mention. Emily is a collector of interesting things. She now owns a cane that when you push a button you can pull off the bottom and it's a roughly 30-inch blade.

And the chase begins.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Hawk ran as fast as she could through the paths, looking for her old friend. "You know…I'm gonna have to kill him now…" She stopped in a clearing with some large concrete pipe parts.

Shadow came up behind her soon followed by the elves, bows in tow. "Lose him?"

"Yeah…" She licked her lips. "He's faster than I remember."

Shadow hopped on one foot while adjusting her boot. The boots she wore looked like the ones that Shadow kicked Hawk with but were actually other ones. "You know…these aren't all that great for running…"

"That's why I wore gym shoes, my dear." Hawk waved her foot in Shadow's face.

"Stop. We gotta find the wonderful little artist…" Shadow could tell Haldir was already envisioning what he'd do to Joe when he got his hands on him.

"**_NO_** killing." Hawk muttered.

"How about incapacitating?" Legolas asked eagerly.

"Only if he has a weapon…which would be highly unlike him…" Shadow shrugged. 

"Is drawing degrading pictures like him?" Haldir asked annoyed.

"Yeah." Hawk and Shadow looked at each other and nodded.

Haldir let out an annoyed snort. "You're defending him again."

"How?" Shadow asked.

"You're making excuses for him." Legolas was scanning the gaps between the trees.

"We are not!" Hawk squeaked. "I love you Legolas." She said sweetly.

"There he is!" Without thinking, Haldir loosed an arrow at the boy.

"HEY!" Shadow kicked him in the shin with her boot. "I said 'No killing'!"

They heard a loud scream and the sound of the arrow splitting a tree. "Good thing you missed him!" Hawk slapped at Haldir.

"Did he always scream so much like a girl?" Legolas looked at Hawk.

"Well, anyone would scream like a little girl if an elven archer launched an arrow at them." Hawk started to run after the fleeing outline of Joe.

"JOE!!!!!! GET YOUR BUTT BACK HERE BEFORE I LET LEGOLAS HIT YOU WITH AN ARROW!!!!!!!!!"

"LEGOLAS, LEGOLAS, LEGOLAS! IT'S ALWAYS LEGOLAS!" Joe shouted back at her. 

"JOE!!!!!!!!!!" Hawk just kept running. 

Legolas and Haldir split off from the girls to go after Joe on their own. They found him breathing hard on a bridge over a creek. He screamed when he saw them and ran. They ran after him. Joe pulled a large branch back and let it go when the elves were in range. Not even their heightened vision helped them jump over it and both male elves flew backwards into the creek. They stared up at the sky.

"We shoulda seen that one…" Legolas sat up angrily.

"Indeed…" The normally dignified elf rang the creek water out of his normally neat hair.

"Are you guys okay?" Hawk called down to them from the bridge.

"We're fine…just wet…" Legolas growled.

"You want help?" Shadow began climbing down to them.

"Just find him…" Haldir muttered.

"Shadow, you help them, I'll go after Joe." Hawk sped off in the direction Joe went.

After helping the boys out of the creek, Shadow found another path around to where Joe was running. Legolas and Haldir followed her, boot squishing as they went. Haldir took more careful aim this time and neatly pinned the villain to a near tree, through the shoulder of his t-shirt. Legolas helped him and pinned the other shoulder to the tree. Shadow and Hawk smirked like satisfied wolves that had finally caught their prey. 

Shadow leapt forward and grasped the spiky, black haired boy by the collar and shook him. 

"How could you? If I've told you once, I've told you one hundred thousand times, Haldir is NOT fat! He's BROAD-SHOULDERED!!!!!!!!!" Hawk could tell that her friend was close to becoming hysterical so she, too jumped forward and put a restraining hand on her shoulder. "And how could you knock him in the creek?!?! That is so undignified!"

"Remember, BREATHE, Shadow, BREATHE. It's in then out. Repeat as necessary," she said. Shadow looked around at her friend and released the boy, breathing heavily. Haldir looked at his girlfriend in amazement and slowly edged away from her. He was mad at Joe, but Shadow seemed to be taking care of things.

Hawk stepped up to the pinned boy, who was looking very nervous by now. 

"Why'd you do it Joe?" She demanded. The black-haired boy looked sullenly up at her. 

"All I ever heard at lunch for four years was: Haldir is so handsome. Legolas is a hot hunk of elven man! Do you know what that does to a person?!" he demanded angrily, his entire face burning red. 

"That does NOT give you the right to make fun of them," Shadow put in, held carefully back by Haldir. 

"Yeah," agreed Hawk. "There's nothing feminine about an elf that can shove an arrow straight up your nose into you brain." 

Legolas smirked. 

Shadow glared at him. "That's enough outta you!"

"I can't help what's true." He said confidently.  
Joe's indignant face crumpled and he looked for a moment, lost and rather scared. 

Shadow walked up to him and clapped him on the shoulder. "We'll let you off this time with a warning," she said conversationally as she tugged the arrow out of his t-shirt. "But next time..." She brandished the feathered shaft beneath his nose and he recoiled slightly. "Remember, we can ruin a lot more than just your clothes." 

"So you not gonna kill me?" He asked cautiously.

"No, but if you ever call me fat again...I will kill you..." Haldir frowned.

"Alright, alright already...no more fat jokes."

"That reminds me..." Hawk wrapped her arm around Joe's shoulder. "Where did you find that dress pattern for the first picture you drew? I love that one!"

"You promised!" Legolas groaned. 

Hawk grinned. "Sorry…"

With a last annoyed look, the elves began to drag the girls back to the car with them. 

"You owe me a very big pudding for this," Hawk remarked as she slid into the front seat of the car as Shadow snuck surreptitiously into the back seat with Haldir. Legolas, guessing her plan, seized her by the scruff of her shirt and hauled her backwards, plopping her into the front seat next to Hawk. 

"Aw! Hey! No fair!" Shadow sulked, hunching down in her seat. Hawk grinned. 

"It's only fair, my dear." Shadow mumbled under her breath, in which, the words "sword and cane" were quite audible.

"Threaten all you want my dear but I have the more powerful weapon..." Hawk chuckled evilly. 

"Oh, yeah?" Shadow snapped, a grin coming onto her face. "What's that?" 

"I took your boots." She stated flatly.

"NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Shadow started hyperventilating. "How could you!?!?!?"

Hawk smirked. "I told you I'd get them..."

"That's so cruel!!!" Shadow began wailing. 

"Suck it up, woman!" Legolas snapped. "They're just boots!"

"Just boots?!?! How can you say that!?!?" Shadow lunged at Legolas.

Haldir dived on top of Shadow. "Down girl!" She flailed about in his arms as she screamed something about chopping Legolas' hair off. "Don't kill him!"

Legolas inched behind Hawk. She glared at him. "Orks, Uruk-Hai, Wargs, Goblins, Werewolves, Trolls, Ringwraiths...and yet Shadow scares you...you face all the evils of Middle Earth yet a human girl makes you back away..."

"The evils of Middle Earth are nothing compared to her..." He cowered.

"You're impossible..." Hawk turned away from her blonde elf and back to her enraged friend. "You, stop. You're going to hit your precious elf if you keep that up..." Shadow started to calm down. "We should go home..."

"Are you sure I can't hit Joe?" Haldir looked pleadingly at Shadow. 

"No! You're not allowed to hit people!"

"Even just with the bow? I wanna whack him on the head!"

"You'll do nothing of the sort!" Hawk whacked him in the back of the head.

"Excuse me?!?! If you can hit me, why can't I hit him?!?!" Haldir angrily asked.

"You're elven, he's not." Hawk muttered. "And you need a shower. You smell like the creek…"

Haldir let out an indignant snort.

"Well, I hate to say it, but she's right. That creek stinks…" Shadow shrugged. "But if it makes you feel any better, Legolas stinks too."

"What?!?!" Legolas nearly lunged at Shadow. Haldir held him back.

"Please don't attack any passengers." Hawk sighed. "I'd like us all to get home in one piece…"

"Alright…" Her quarrelsome passengers sat back in their seat. Hawk grimaced at the thought of what it was going to cost to get the creek smell out of her car.

After the long ride back into the city, the girls made the guys take showers immediately. Hawk had never been so thankful their apartment had two bathrooms.

"I need pudding…" Hawk opened up the cabinets and pulled out three large boxes of chocolate pudding mix.

"Isn't that a bit much?" Shadow pulled the milk out.

"I want a lot of pudding." She tore the tops off the packages and dumped them into the largest bowl they had.

"Oh…I'm gonna go see what's on TV…" Shadow left her friend alone to make the mega batch of pudding.

After the pudding was in the fridge, Hawk sat with Shadow to watch TV.

The boys finished their showers in under 20 minutes. They came out only in pants and towels draped over their shoulders for their hair.

"Hmm…Elvish Spring…" Shadow grinned at the sight of Haldir.

Hawk elbowed her friend for the horrible pun.

Legolas leaned over the back of the couch by Hawk. "Hawk, didn't you do laundry last?"

"Maybe…" She grinned.

"Where, dare I ask, are all my shirts?"

"Hmm…maybe I forgot to wash them…" She looked up at her shirtless elf.

"I hope you have the worst memory on the planet…"

"She does!" Shadow spoke up. "You should have seen her when we were younger!"

"Shut up Shadow…"

"I'd ask her to do something and she'd take like a week to do it!"

"Shut up Shadow…"

"She hardly remembered her school work

"Shut up Shadow!"

"It was a miracle she remembered anything!"

"Shut up Shadow!!!" Hawk whacked her friend in the head. "Maybe I've forgotten what I did with your precious boots! I need pudding!"

"No! My boots!" Shadow cried out.

Hawk returned with the giant bowl she prepared earlier. Legolas was astonished by the amount of pudding she had.

"Can I have some?" Shadow asked.

"Maybe I forgot how to share too…" Hawk snapped.

"Okay! Okay! I'm sorry! Please!"

"Fine…go get some more spoons." She waved her friend off.

And with that, they happily pigged out on pudding while the TV droned on incessantly. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Well, that's finally finished…sorry it took so long for those of you that are still paying attention to this. Now I wouldn't count on it to happen soon, but there are other misadventures being planned such as Haldir and Legolas and their job and Haldir and Legolas Vs. the Centipede. Don't ask, just wait. Those will be co written with the Lady of Imladris and will thus be filled with even more insanity. If anyone wants to be alerted when those come out, leave your e-mail address in your review and I'll be sure to keep you updated.

Ah yes, I owe a lot to Emily for writing a big ol' part of the chapter for me. I got stuck and she used her powerful insanity to help me out. ^_^

Thank you for bearing with my insanity, soon to be joined with my friend's. I hope all of you took this with a grain of salt and don't think I should be sent to a mental hospital.

~*~Shadow Hawk~*~


	6. Part Two: Of Wet Elves and Pillow Fights

Shadow: Hi all. Still reading?  
Hawk: Of course they are. This is pure insanity. It's good reading.

Shadow: Okie dokie then. Like she said, I'm here to help with the remaining Misadventures.

Hawk: You just had to change your pen name, didn't you?

Shadow: I didn't want to have a number. If I had stayed Lady of Imladris, they would have made me have a number. You changed too.

Hawk: I put a 'The' on it. No biggie. Anyway, there's much insanity to be had. I caution those who decide to read on.

Shadow: Don't! It'll be fun to see Haldir and Legolas at work!

Hawk: Well, there goes the plot…just read okay? Thanks.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
A New Adventure: 

  
**Chapter One: And So the Insanity Begins…Again (Oi veh) **

"GOOOOD MORNING!!" Hawk happily shook Legolas awake.

"AHHHHH!!!" He screamed bloody murder as he flew out of bed. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?"

"A lot. You know that." She grinned. "But there's no time for that. You can't be late for work."

"Work? What?" Legolas rubbed his eyes. "I never should have started sleeping like a human…"

"Probably not…" Haldir was already dressed in his new work uniform. "Hurry up."

Shadow happily sat on Haldir's bed, drooling over the elf in uniform.

Hawk waved her hand in front of Shadow's face. "Earth to Shadow! Please come out of the zone!"

"Dun wanna…" She murmured stupidly.

Haldir arched an eyebrow. "Perhaps I should leave the room for a moment…"

"Couldn't hurt…" Legolas muttered.

"I'll just drag her out with the promise of her boots."

"BOOTS!!!!" Shadow flew at the other girl.

"ACK!" Hawk ran from the room before Shadow could kill her.

Legolas and Haldir watched in fear as the girls disappeared from the room.

"Well…I'll just go get dressed…" Legolas shook his head and went to find his uniform. Haldir smirked at himself as he tied his golden hair back into a loose ponytail and secured it with his uniform hat. He admired himself in the mirror, turning slightly. 

"I hate to sound vain…"

"Then don't," Legolas put in cheekily. Haldir glared at him. 

"But…_damn_, I look good." 

"Yes, he does!" Shadow exclaimed from the other room. 

Frantic bangings and scrapings could be heard and every now and then a sudden tinkling of breaking glass. Legolas looked over at Haldir despairingly. 

"Should we help them?" 

"And get in the middle of it again? NO!" Haldir said firmly. 

Hawk raced back into the room, two leather black boots in hand with Shadow on her heels. The two elves ducked behind the bed. 

"Give me back my boots!" 

"NEVER!" 

"FINE! Now, I'm going to steal Jack Sparrow's boots!" 

Hawk rolled her eyes and sighed. "GAH!" She dove on to Shadow. "And that's _Captain_ Jack Sparrow! You of all people should know that! You worship Mr. Jingles!"

"Stop calling him Mr. Jingles! And I do not worship him! Haldir's still first!"

"Coulda fooled me!"

"What about breakfast?" Legolas asked softly. That brought Hawk and Shadow to a full stop, poised in midair, grappling with each other. Shadow looked down at Hawk, whom she held in a headlock. 

"Yeah. What is for breakfast?" Hawk disentangled herself from the mass of arms and legs and hurried into the kitchen. 

"Food," she answered shortly from the other room. Shadow threw up her hands in despair. Hawk was the most indecisive person she'd ever had the pleasure of being friends with. Shadow walked into the kitchen in the wake of Hawk and rummaged through the fridge. 

Hawk already had a pizza out on the kitchen counter. Shadow raised an eyebrow, picked up the pizza and whacked it hard on the table. 

"It's frozen," she said. Hawk grinned and spread her hands wide. 

"It's not frozen! It's cold pizza! The breakfast of champions!" For the second time that day, Shadow threw up her hands in despair. 

"And…with the flailing…again…" Haldir said softly, unsurprised. "Do we get weapons of some kind?" Haldir inquired. Hawk looked at him and whacked him upside the head. 

"NO killing people! Geez! Shadow, can't you control your bloodthirsty elf?" she yelled. The woman in question threw her arms around her said elf's neck. "We could end up with a lawsuit if he kills someone!"

"Dun wanna!" she exclaimed proudly. 

"Well, I guess we have to drive them." Shadow nodded and tossed Hawk the keys to her car, which, to all's present surprise, she caught. Shadow blinked at her for a moment in shock. 

"Wow. World Series worthy!" she exclaimed. 

Hawk made an elegant bow. "Thank you! Thank you!"

Legolas rolled his eyes. "Personally I thought that was a dig…"

"It was. I've just learned to take it from her." Hawk sighed and shoved a slice of pizza in her mouth. "Where's the cola?"

"The what?" Haldir blinked.

"Soda, you moron. Haven't you been living here long enough?" Hawk swallowed the mouthful.

"I resent that!"

"Um…you're supposed to…" Shadow poked Haldir.

The taller elf made an indignant face and left the room.

"You made my elf mad!" Shadow thwaped Hawk in the head.

"Owwie! Hey what do I care? He's your elf, not mine. I have mine." Hawk jumped into Legolas' arms. He grinned.

"Oh! You two are…Gah! I don't know anymore!" Shadow threw her hands up again and left the room.

Hawk giggled. "Someone's mad. Like she usually is with me."

Suddenly Legolas' ears twitched. "Dammit! Not again!"

"Eh…what?"

"Haldir and Shadow are…busy…" he trailed off meaningfully. 

"Again?!?!" Hawk went into the living room. Haldir and Shadow were, once again tangled up in each other's arms kissing. "I'm going to kill them…" She went back into the kitchen and filled up the biggest glass she could with ice water. 

"Umm…you sure that's a good idea?" Legolas raised an eyebrow.

"Nope. I'm never sure of anything!" She grinned and went into the living room.

Legolas cringed when he heard the water splash and curses fly in both English and Elvish. "Oww…my ears…" He looked into the living room. Haldir and Shadow were chasing Hawk around the room. Shadow was wearing Haldir's hat.

"Haldir woulda heard me coming if he wasn't so…enthralled with you!"

"I'm still gonna kill you!" Shadow flew after Hawk even faster than Haldir.

"And then how will you get the stupid boots back?" Hawk ran into her room and locked the door.

Shadow made a face. "I hate you! Gimme back my boots! And where's your blow drier? My hair's all wet."

"It's in the bathroom. Is your precious elf's hair in tact?"

"Thankfully yes. You mostly got me, vile wench."

"And proud of it," came Hawk's muffled voice from behind the door in her room. 

"I have more weaponry than you…" Shadow threatened, grinning maniacally. 

"I've given strict orders to my people to destroy your boots should anything happen to me!"

"No! You…you…I don't know what you are!"

"Your best evil friend."

Haldir glared at Legolas while he shook out his hat. "Couldn't you have stopped her?"

"While I'm at it, would you like me to do anything else, like say kill a Balrog on my own?" Legolas rolled his eyes. "Stop Hawk…yeah right…"

"Shut up," Haldir muttered. "My hat's soaked now."

"Look on the bright side. It's just the hat. Be glad she didn't soak you. We gotta go to work."

"I guess you're right." Haldir sighed. "I should stop Shadow before she breaks that door…"

"And then you can go take on an army of 10,000 Uruk-Hai by yourself." Legolas muttered under his breath.

"I heard that."

"No, really?" 

"Didn't I tell you to shut up?"

"Probably." Legolas grinned. Haldir rolled his eyes in despair. 

"You know, I believe her insanity is rubbing off on you." Legolas grinned all the wider. 

"Probably." 

"Ai!" Haldir threw up his hands. Legolas pointed his finger at the elder elf. 

"Ha! Shadow's rubbing off on you too!" Haldir's face paled ever so slightly as he realized what he'd done. 

"Valar help us all! Can we please go to work now? If I'm lucky I can be on the other side of the mall." Haldir headed into the living room.

"Hey!" Legolas frowned. "That hurt. Besides, you'll never remember all the human rules on your own. You blew two of them last time."

"So did you."

"I did not."

"Uh…yeah you did." Hawk said timidly. "You threatened to kill that guy if he touched your hair. And you made fun of that robber dude's clothes."

"Robber…dude?" Haldir blinked.

"Shut up."

"Okay, okay…" Haldir placed his still-slightly-damp hat on his head and straightened it with a flourish as Shadow came out of the bathroom.

"I'm ready. I hope you're happy." She grumbled as she walked past Hawk.

"Very." She grinned.

Shadow glared at her. "Why you…" She picked up a pillow from the couch and heaved it at Hawk.

"Eep!" She ducked and watched as the offending pillow flew into Legolas' face.

Shadow winced. "Aw…crap…"

Hawk laughed. "Crap indeed. You're dead now."

Legolas said nothing as he put the pillow down. "Can we please go now? I'd like to get out of the house before Shadow decides to throw something dangerous."

"Oops! Sorry!" Shadow hid behind Haldir. "Don't hurt me!"

"Maybe we should go…" Hawk grabbed Legolas' arm. "Come on…it's just a pillow…no need to go all crazy ass psycho elf on her…"

"Fine…" Legolas flipped his hair back and headed for the door.

Hawk drooled. "I love that hair…"

"Will you shut up?" Shadow muttered.

"Nope!" Hawk ran out after Legolas.

Shadow looked at Haldir. "Ready for work?"

"No. But let's go anyway." He sighed and opened the door for her.

"Okay. Try not to blow anymore rules."

"I don't think I remember all of them."

"They were on the chart…" Shadow muttered not wanting to relive Haldir's temporary chart obsession a few days earlier.

"Chart? Where?" His ears perked up.

"Did you say chart again?" Hawk came running back up.

"Yeah…"

"You fool…" Hawk muttered. 

Legolas let out a deep sigh. "It's going to be a long ride to the mall…"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Shadow: "Crazy ass psycho elf." That's mine! Except I wrote that in my Tale of Two Cities book about Madame Defarge. 

Hawk: Argh! I believe you used a more colorful word than elf. It started with a 'b' and ended with an 'itch'. * clears throat * Anyway… another wonderful dose of insanity. You like?

Shadow: Have we completely lost it?

Hawk: Not until we take Haldir and Legolas to the Renaissance Fair!

Haldir & Legolas: WHAT?!?!?!

Shadow: Aw…you spoiled it for the readers…

Hawk: They'll find out eventually. We've got all sorts of adventures to send them on.

Haldir: You mean, all sorts of ways to torture us?

Shadow: Adventures, torture… What's the difference?

Legolas: We're doomed.

Hawk: They do have to fight the giant centipede first…

Legolas: Isn't that a bug?

Shadow: You bet! Just wait and see!

Haldir: I really don't like the sound of this… Someone help us! In the name of all that is good, help us!

The Shadow Hawk & The Lady of Light


End file.
